Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Grocery Store Etiquette.........

Ok here’s the thing……….I don’t really want to go down this road but I feel the time has come. I live in the Midwest and apparently there is a disconnect about certain tried and true etiquette. In this particular case I am talking about grocery store etiquette. I long ago gave up on doing grocery shopping on a Saturday. I normally venture to the grocery store on off days like Tuesdays and Thursdays. For some reason though today on a Tuesday there is enough traffic to make it like a Saturday.

I am not the kind of person who is a shy wall flower. I have been told before that I have a touch of Bette Midler in me. I am not sure I agree with that or see that as a compliment but, yes; I can be a bit ballsy sometimes usually behind the wheel of a car. Now let it be said that shopping carts can be very similar to a car. When I drive, I drive Indy style. I am always watching what is going on 3 cars in front of me to make sure I see things as they are happening so I can anticipate sudden changes in traffic.

The same system applies to grocery stores. But grocery stores are even worse than the road because you have lots of completely self centered people (unfortunately mostly women and GOD I hate saying that) all crammed into very small isles. You still have the same problem with people on their cell phones talking and texting. I get that cause you need to call home to see what someone put on the list but what the “F” is the deal with these people leaving their carts in the middle of the isle so no one can get by while they stare blankly at the shelves. OMG it makes me crazy!!!! Seriously. The first thing I do is stare at these self centered morons with contempt. I don’t move I just stand there staring at them till they realize that they are blocking the Isle traffic and say “Oh I am so sorry” at which point I usually walk by SMH….”Shaking My Head” at how self centered they are. I mean I am so uber vigilant about this stuff that even if I am reaching for a bag of pasta and someone can’t get by I will move out of their way. Probably because I am over compensating for all the self centered jerks in most of the stores.

So I have been down 5 isles so far and I finally hit the mother of all Isles. It is jam packed with desperate housewives, some with their pain in the ass teenage texting kids in tow three wide across the isle. I, at this point, have reached my absolute limit of clueless self centered women and teenage children. So I decide to consult the Magic 8 Ball phone app. Magic 8 Ball phone app, if these ridiculously clueless teenagers and their desperate housewives parents continue to block the Isles with the carts without even the slightest thought for other people shopping in the store shall I use my cart to ram their cart out of the way? Shakey……………. Shakey……………. Shakey……………. And the answer is: You May Rely On It. Uh-huh. Well ok. Normally that answer would freak me out but I am a tad bit PMS and these people make me crazy. So…………..bring it on!!! I decide the texting teens with their clueless mom is the target. I get right up on them and stand their looking with disgust at the cart in the middle of the isle. They do not even acknowledge my existence. Oh Baby Game On!!!! I wait for 30 more seconds….no mas. Ok.. Here we go….BAM not just BAM But I mean BAM and the cart goes flying. Desperate housewife and texting teens look at me with that suburbia I am so effing privileged and what did you just do look. I smile wave and say “Contrary to popular belief you are not the only person shopping in this store.” “Move your shit out of the way desperate housewife!” God It felt so GOOD!!!!! And yes yes yes…..there is a bit of Bette Midler in me. Perhaps it’s time to take singing lessons……………….

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Is It The Honda's Or The Renee Family Curse..............

I have been friends with Renee for about 12 years now. We met on the job while working in sales for a local radio group. She sat on the other side of the wall from my cube. She had one of the loudest voices on the phone and so one day I decided to mess with her. She was sitting at her desk and I called her up and told her I liked her outfit that she was wearing. She was trying to figure out who it was on the phone and I said do you really want to know to which she responded hell yes. Then I started pounding on her cube. She jumped and then started yelling at me. The next thing ya know we were friends.

One of the things I have learned about Renee is that she has very bad luck with cars…in terms of wrecking them. Maybe it’s just a Honda thing cause she keeps getting Honda’s. Early on she had a black Honda Accord and then she was in a wreck. She replaced it with a silver Honda accord. She had this car when we worked at another radio station together. I was at work and I was sitting in the news director’s office and they were looking out the window and watched as this old woman just plowed into someone car in the parking lot. This old woman hit is so hard she totaled it out. Apparently she thought she was hitting the break and was actually hitting the gas pedal.

So I said let me look and I went Oh God that looks like Renee’s car and then I looked again and said OMG it is Renee’s car. Then a couple of other sales people joined us and we were trying to figure out who was going to be the lucky one to have to tell her….guess who lost. Uh-huh. Yep……me. My friend Dave went along for moral support. I tried to break it to her easy because our radio station had just been sold to a very large radio chain and all the corporate Yahoo’s were in the building. I knew she was gonna freak out and start screaming so I was doing my best to keep her calm. I found her as she was going out to smoke a cigarette. I told her that she needed to come with me because I had to show her something and I told her to try and remain calm. I took her to the window and told her to look down at which point she observed the mayhem below. By this time the President and Vice President of our new company had come to see what was going on right as Renee realized it was her car. This was followed by a slew of f-bombs, sprinkled with a few GD’s some SOB’s at which point she turned around to see the President ad VP right behind her. Dave and I just couldn’t help ourselves and we started laughing which broke the tension a bit. Renee’s car was only about 3 or 4 months old at that point. This was the second wreck I had known about in two years. The trend was to continue. She got the car fixed and then someone slammed into her on the highway. She then decided to protect herself and moved up to a Honda Pilot. Then she wrecked that one in a fender bender. Now her son has started to drive and my question early on was: Is this just a Renee thing or will her son have the same car wrecking luck. Sure enough I hear that her son got in a wreck with his car as well. But once is just a fluke…...we shall see if it continues.

Renee and I went to go see Boney James this week and got caught up on things going on in our lives. I explained that the boyfriend and I had officially broken up and that I was very sad about it but there were some rather big issues and even though my heart hurts right now it is for the best. She explained that her son had driven her car and well………..totaled it………. which brings me to the Magic 8 Ball question. Magic 8 Ball is Renee’s family cursed when it comes to wrecking cars? Shakey……………….. Shakey…………………………. Shakey………………And the answer is: Most Likely. Well if this is the case then I would suggest she get the biggest SUV possible to protect her and her offspring. And maybe, just maybe, get something other than a Honda as it doesn’t seem to bring her very good luck.

Monday, September 12, 2011

To Poop Or Not To Poop........

Ok so here’s the thing… I was out with a bunch of my girlfriends for happy hour and the subject came up about pooping in public restrooms including restrooms at work. Who knew everyone has issues with this. I mean everyone has an issue with this. None of my girlfriends can do this. I have to say I am shocked by how many women have issues with this.

I too hate using public restrooms. Especially at work. But the ones at work are the worst for a couple of major reasons. First there is the smell……. It smells like someone pooped even if no one has been in there for two hours. Secondly, they have automatic flushers on all the toilets. Now did I mention I hate using public restrooms?

I also have a thing about going number 2 in a public place. I mean it I really have a thing about it. I admit it. And I thought I was the only one who had this and that I was just weird until I talked about it with the happy hour crew. So to even try to work up the courage to do it ….well…..it’s the stuff that psychotherapy sessions are made of. Ok…no judgments here people…. everyone has their hang ups.

Since this is an issue for me I decided it was the perfect candidate for my Magic 8 Ball life. I will ask the Magic 8 Ball. Magic 8 Ball shall I try to get over my issue of pooping in a public restroom? Shakey………. Shakey………. Shakey………. And the answer is: It Is Decidedly So.
Well crap!!!! That was not the answer I was hoping for. So not happy about this. The Experiment shall begin next week.

Well crap…….here we are and take a crap I must try to do in a public place. I freaking hate this blog right now!!!! Ok…. Off I go to settle in to the bathroom…..I Pick the nicest stall and there is no one in here…Thank God…….. so I try to relax and then the automatic toilets start talking to themselves….WTF…I mean really……. Are you kidding me? The toilets are talking to each other????? Beep Beep Beep….on down the line….well crap……literally…not gonna happen. What I want to know is what are these toilets saying to each other? Hey toilet number 2 the girl in number 5 can’t poop in public let’s mess with her. So I guess I will leave this experiment to my female companions who don’t have automatic flushing toilets. Still look with suspicion to all automatic toilets no matter where they are. What exactly are they saying to each other…..’’Hey check out the chick in stall number 3 she has polka dot underwear’……Seriously.......

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Entertaining Angels.....................

You know that saying that perhaps you have entertained Angels without knowing it. That is a question that has haunted me for the last eight years………..

I have probably never talked about my dog Sam on here. My dog Sam was a rescue dog and I believe he is touched by God. When I first saw him he was limping on the side of the road getting ready to get onto a highway. I remember saying out loud,”Oh please God protect him.” Then I said “I promise I will help him God but I am late for work and I can’t do it today. Just please keep him safe.”

The very next day, at the same intersection in the heart of the ghetto, I see this guy out of his car in the middle of January and it 4 degrees outside. He is waving his hands and screaming so I look over and here is this dog again and this time he is being attacked by two pit bulls in the front and two pit bulls in the back and they are ripping him to shreds. So I get out of my car and start screaming and waving my hands. At which point the pit bulls look at me as if to say screw you and go back to ripping him up. I then hear a voice in my head that says Samurai…….. So I start making weird Samurai noises and kicking my feet and wailing my arms around and next thing you know the pit bulls all take off and the dog runs under my car.

He won’t come out and it’s 4 degrees outside. I talk to him and reassure him and call the fire department to see if they will get him out from under my car. No mas…. They direct me to animal control who explains it will be at least 45 minutes to an hour. So I talk to him and start praying……..I mean really praying. Ok God I need some help here this dog needs to get to a vet and it is too cold out here please send me some help. Next thing I know about 5 minutes later this guy with blonde hair and crystal blue eyes shows up. He says its freezing cold and a bad neighborhood and asks if he can be of assistance. I tell him the story and he says he and his wife do dog rescue all the time. He goes to the car and comes back with a leash and wraps it around the dogs snout pulls him out and gets in the back seat of my car with the dog and we head off to the vet with the mans wife following behind in the pick up truck.

We get the to vet, open the door and the bell on the door tinkles and rings and we bring in the dog to the receptionist area and the vet techs and the vet come and out and there is a lot of commotion. We explain what happened and in the midst of the confusion the man and his wife disappear. I look around and they are gone….. I ask the receptionist did you see them leave and she says no. Then she says if they left we would have heard the door open and the bell sound.

So here is the question that is well over due for the Magic 8 Ball. Magic 8 Ball on that day did I entertain angels? Shakey……………. Shakey……………. Shakey……………. And the answer is: Signs Point to Yes. Ah Ha!!! I knew it……. It was just so weird and no one could explain how they disappeared and they were definitely sent from God to help me….. A direct response to a prayer. Sammy has been one of the best dogs ever and is my protector. If he doesn’t like you he lets me know and I must say he is always right.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Local Snookie.........................

My friend Dave and I get together every Sunday afternoon for lunch, conversation, a bit of media gossip and to people watch. On this particular Sunday we chose a watering hole in a trendy suburb for our feast and cocktails. I just knew it was going to be particularly entertaining. I chose to sit on the upper deck of the building. Just as I sat down, the winds kicked up, the temperature dropped and it clouded up… a great breeze and a storm on the horizon. Perfect weather for the deck. I soon get a text from Dave: where r u woman? I responded ‘I’m here on the deck” and he said ‘So am I” to which I replied “no ur not” so it goes back and forth till finally my waitress volunteers to go downstairs to retrieve him. Geez!!!

We decided we would drink beer and watch the storm roll in and of course being media people…track it on TV radar via our cell phones. There is a storm cell headed directly for us but it doesn’t look strong enough to hold together. We order, watch and wait….dun dun dah.
Right in the middle of catching up these three twenty something girls show up and grab a table about 30 feet from us. OMG this might be good……or really bad……. Or both at the same time!!!

So Dave and I settle in. Next thing ya know we have the local version of Snookie on our hands. The crassness, the sadness, the please for the love of god pay attention to me-ness. Dave nicknames them the blow job girls. I ask him why and he says anyone that is that loud and is wanting that much attention clearly has daddy issues and girls that need that much attention usually will have a high number of blow jobs under their belt because of lack of self esteem. Huh…well there you have it. I have to admit he might be spot on about this girl.

So we eat our food and listen in….. The loud pay attention to me girl I have named “Local Snookie” is so loud that we can hear every word. Says “I have no idea but the only thing left was scotch so that must have been what I was drinking”…..nice. Now she starts on this whole diatribe about how much she drank. Which of course Dave goes……see……. 3 bj’s in one night.

Then of course he dares me to use my Magic 8 Ball phone app. He says “ I dare you to go ask her how many blow jobs she has given. And I am going OMG…. Not cool but I will ask….. Magic 8 Ball….. Shall I confront “local Snookie” regarding her BJ experience?

Shakey………….. Shakey…………..
Shakey…………..and the Answer is: Cannot Predict Now. Oh thank God……. I was not looking forward to getting into a fight with the loud mouth twenty somethings.Thank You Magic 8 Ball.

Dave and I proceed to tell the story to our waitress. Who proceeds to tell all the other waitresses and they start laughing….because they were thinking the same thing and couldn’t wait for them to leave.

On the way home, I tune into the local comedian network. The comedian, I never got his name, is talking about local girls who go to the local neighborhood bars and take pictures of themselves and their girlfriends drinking beer like they are on spring break in Mexico. All the while talking loud and being completely obnoxious. Which makes me think this comedian is somewhere on this deck as we speak. I feel sorry for “Local Snookie” but it was pretty damn good Sunday fodder.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Soul Food and Then Some..........

Every year the radio station that I used to work for hosts a Soul Food festival. This year the main act on the bill is George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelics. My best friend is a George Clinton fanatic and because of her I have seen him so many times I have stopped counting. It is a yearly event. So I guess I should put this one up to the Magic 8 Ball. Magic 8 Ball should I go to the Soul Food Festival and See George Clinton? Shakey……… Shakey………. Shakey……. And the answer is: YES. Well that was pretty decisive. I guess I’ll be going. Will just have to make myself steer clear of the soul food. So off I got to the festival. Turns out to be a good decision all the old staff who worked at the station in 2004 decided to show up so we had a mini reunion!!! The show was very good with the highlight for me being the Dazz band. I love that band and never had the pleasure of seeing them live. They did a great job and so did the Bar Kays…a personal favorite since they recorded on my favorite label Stax Records. George Clinton took the stage and the band did their famous funkiness. Sir Nose was in rare form. The night was so much fun and it was so good to spend time with old friends.

Ain’t nothin’ but a jam y’all…

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Mustard Incident.........

You have to love it. You just have to love it. Today is a day full of meetings at work. Usually during the summer I let my hair go au naturelle. I just get out of the shower scrunch it a bit and let the wavy curls take over. In fact I go to work with a wet head and let it dry over the first 20 minutes. But today was the exception. I am not sure why. I actually took the time to blow dry my hair straight. And normally its jeans and a t-shirt but today I decided to dress up a bit. I grabbed a hoodie just in case it got a bit to cold at my desk and I needed something to stay warm.

So I get to work get checked in and head off to the cafeteria for my morning Starbucks doubleshot and my smoked sausage link with mustard. While dispensing the mustard from the container it ends up everywhere except on my sausage. In other words all down the front of me. Are you kidding me???? I am now covered in mustard and look like a human hot dog bun!!! And I have meetings today!!!!!! Uck a doodle doo!!!!

Options. I need options. And Thank God for grabbing the hoodie when I left the apartment so I can throw that on and cover up the huge mustard stain that spans my entire stomach and chest area. But I smell like mustard! Hmmmmm..... I could run home for an early lunch and change clothes and I could see if the boyfriend would meet me and then and we could grab some afternoon delight! Sounds like a plan....... If the Magic 8 Ball approves of it.

Magic 8 Ball should I go home and change clothes and grab some afternoon delight? Magic 8 Ball says: YES
Now that's the kinda answer I likey!

Friday, July 29, 2011

First Impressionism...............

So the question that is up on the block for the Magic 8 Ball today is: Shall the boyfriend and I go see the Monet Water Lillies’ exhibit at the Art Museum tonight? Shakey……. Shakey………. Shakey……. And the Answer is: Cannot Predict Now. Ok then guess I shall have to put this off for a few hours and come back to it and ask the question in another way.
A few hours have passed and now it is time to ask the question another way. Shall the boyfriend and I go see the Monet Water Lillies' exhibit at the Art Museum this Thursday night? Shakey……. Shakey………. Shakey……. And the Answer is: Without a doubt. This is so good…. cause I really want to go and I think the boyfriend will enjoy it too. I talked to the boyfriend and he wants to go so we are on for Thursday!

So it’s Thursday and we go to the Art Gallery to see Monet’s Water Lillies’….all three panels together for the first time in thirty years. And it's incredible. They have couches strategically placed so you can sit and take it all in…the colors, the technique, the brilliance. It really is an amazing thing to see and this guy was awesome and maybe just a tad bit crazy…..never read up on him but to be that good you have to be a bit touched. But I digress….. So I am sitting there and I take my phone out and turn off the flash and take a picture. Just when I start to take a second picture a guard comes up and tells me we can’t take pictures of it. So I start to put my phone away and try to get one more shot.

I then go up to inspect the picture and Monet's signature closer. I lean in and take my glasses off to inspect his signature when the guard comes up to me again and says I have stepped over the line….what freggin’ line lady?

So I look down and see that the carpet ends and then you hit tile and I am standing on the tile and now apparently I have entered the museum danger zone. Really? What? Am I an Art Terrorist cause I want an up close look at his signature? Whatever…. I go back to the boyfriend who says that was my second strike and one more strike and I will be kicked out and banned from the Museum by the guard Nazis.

We decide we have seen enough and leave. Upon getting to the car I discover that I did get a second picture. I call it my impressionist photograph of one of the most significant impressionist paintings…….Monet’s Water Lillies’……… and you will find it in the upper right corner of this blog…..

Monday, July 25, 2011

To Sign On The Dotted Line..............

I know I have covered the topic of apartment life on here a few times in the short amount of time I have been blogging about my Magic 8 Ball life but I find it rearing its ugly head once again because I now am at a crossroads. I have to decide whether to renew my lease or find a new place to live.

There are some pluses to staying here. I do love my apartment. I have vaulted ceilings and one wall is completely glass so I get a lot light in the summer which I love… till the electric bill shows up. But I do love it in the winter because you get an enormous amount of light. I have a great balcony that I have turned into my own little Zen garden. The only part of this apartment I hate is the complex itself. The apartment is great… the people that run the complex are not and some of the tenants are just a little too questionable looking for my taste. But overall it could be lots worse. I am having a very hard time deciding so I guess it’s time to put it to the Magic 8 Ball.

Magic 8 Ball shall I renew my lease for this apartment? Shakey…….Shakey……… Shakey……… and the answer is “You May Rely On It”. Ok so it is decided. I have to say that I am secretly very happy. I was not looking forward to moving but if the 8 Ball had said I needed to move I would have started the process of looking.

So I will stay here and not pack up my little Zen garden so I can continue to have my meditation space and all my sunlight streaming in my windows …oh…and my high electric bill…still worth it. And I am sure my dog will appreciate not having to get used to another place. I will just have to deal with all the strange people and smells. Have I mentioned the smells before?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Car Alarms And The Golden Ghetto

I know I have said this before but I think it is worthy of restating. God I love living in an apartment. It’s just such a plethora of fun sometimes!
The smells, the creepy neighbors, the noise….OMG the noise!!!

On a Sunday night at about 10:30PM someone’s car alarm started going off in the parking lot. This is not good as it is right outside my bedroom window and I have to get up at 5am. So I guess it’s time to ask the Magic 8 Ball for help. Magic 8 Ball should I call the police to report this car alarm going off? Shakey Shakey Shakey…… It Is Certain. Ok…well I don’t like calling the police on neighbors but I like my sleep more so I guess I will make the call. Now it is 11PM the car alarm is STILL going off and my neighbor from downstairs has joined me in the hall to see what the heck the deal is.

The thing is I know who the car belongs to and I know what building he lives in but I don’t know what apartment he lives in. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go door to door by myself at 11 o’clock at night trying to find the owner cause you don’t want to get yelled at or raped or end up in little pieces in somebody’s refrigerator. My neighbor next door decided she would go with me. So off we went knocking on doors. At least the neighbors were nice about it. They could have been really mean and rude about someone knocking on their door at 11pm. God knows I would not be happy about it nor would I open my door if I had two guys standing outside it at 11pm.

Finally after knocking on 4 doors we found the owner of the car who came to the door with out his shirt on….....completely gross….....and he came out to fix the alarm right as the Police showed up to investigate the problem. The cop was not at all amused by the fact that we had managed to find the alarm perpetrator and that he showed up to call that was in essence solved. He did have some choice words for the man without the shirt. If it was me I would have scolded him about the alarm and then thrown in “and dude put on a shirt no one wants to look at that.” So I guess all is well again in my lovely little slice of heaven I like to call my apartment in the golden ghetto.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Signs Signs Everywhere Signs Or Not..........

In the movie Bruce Almighty the main character is having a really bad day and he asks God for a sign. He is driving in his car he passes one of those huge signs that the highway works folks post on the side of the road that says “Danger Ahead’. Some people are the type that trust in God and see and read the signs along the way while others think that sort of thing is a bunch of hog wash as they say here in the Midwest.

I am one of those people who see, read and do my best to try and interpret the signs that God gives me while along the way. The key to this lies in the interpretation of the signs. Some are easy to read while other make you scratch your head and just wonder. If synchronicity is involved you can bet you should be paying attention to it. This doesn’t mean you’ll ever figure out what it means.

On Sunday the boyfriend and I were going to get together for dinner. He was going to meet me at my place so I called him when I was heading home and he told me his car battery was dead and asked if I could swing by and jump start his car. It was not a problem and I was happy to help. A couple of days later, I was walking out the door of my apartment building on my way to work when my neighbor asked me if I could provide him with a jump start as his car had a dead battery. Now this has my attention………. being asked to jump start two cars over the span of 3 days….interesting coincidence and a sign worthy of my attention.

So the question is what the heck does it mean? Maybe I should ask the Magic 8 Ball if it is a sign. Magic 8 Ball is jump starting two cars over the span of three days a sign I should pay attention to? Shakey Shakey Shakey……….Magic 8 Ball answer: Signs Point To Yes. Well Duh!!! That is all fine and good but what the heck does it mean?
Maybe I should ask the Magic 8 Ball if I will figure out what the sign or meaning to jump starting two cars in three days is/was. I shall ask……Magic 8 Ball will I figure out what the sign/meaning of jump starting two cars in three days is? Shakey Shakey Shakey…… Magic 8 Ball answer: My Sources Say No. Ah… Well.... there you have it. God’s deep truth still goes unanswered…….ok maybe it’s not that deep.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

So Cute But What A Pain In The Arse......

It is July in my lovely town and the temps are soaring. They have issued a heat advisory for our area and they expect the actual high temp today to be around 101 with a heat index of 105 to 110. So about half way thru the day they issue a boil order for 500 thousand people in our city of 2.5 million. This means on an extremely hot day you have heat up your water to boiling before you can drink it. Really? Really? Are ya kidding me? Then they tell us that it will likely last for a couple of days. Not only does this affect cooking and drinking water but you are not suppose to shower or bathe in it either. Now this is going from bad to worse! I wasn’t planning on stocking up on bottled water but now I may have to change my mind. Maybe this will have to be a question for the Magic 8 Ball. Magic 8 Ball should I go stock up on bottled water so I have a reserve in case of emergencies? Shakey Shakey Shakey……………..without a doubt.
Okay so I guess on my lunch hour I will head off to go buy some bottled water.

Well gee that was fun. I head off on my half hour lunch hour across the street to Wal-Mart to go grab a couple of cases of bottled water and apparently there has been a run on it…… none to be found. So then I go to the local grocery store and again shelves are bare. Hmmm… This might be more serious than I thought. Or maybe not. I won’t drink water I’ll just drink wine……that might not be such a bright idea…… guess I will have to wait till I get off work to search the area for bottled water.

Interesting…..now it appears the boil order problem all stems from one rather curious raccoon who decided to check out the local water system. Apparently a raccoon got into the switch gear at the water plant which caused a major surge and then caused everything to shut down. All this because of a raccoon!!

After work I did finally find some bottled water but it took going across the state line to get it. I do now have a reserve which I have tapped into of which the boyfriend says I must replace so that I can continue to have a reserve. That sounds like a question for the Magic 8 Ball on another day.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Lessons And The Kitchen Sink

Apartment living can sometimes be challenging. For instance, I have a bunch of flowers out on my balcony to try to have a bit of “ Zen” going on outside my living room windows. Watering all these plants can be a bit of a challenge since the only way to do so is to load up a two gallon watering can and make the trip back and forth from the kitchen to the balcony. To speed up this process I decided to add a 2 gallon painter’s bucket to alternate with the watering can.

On about my 10th trip back to the kitchen I came back to a lovely fountain exploding all over my kitchen where upon inspection it became evident the faucet attached to my kitchen sink had just fallen off. There was water everywhere. I mean everywhere!!! Alll over me, all over the kitchen floor and the cabinets,the counters…..everywhere!!! I finally got the water turned off and started getting things cleaned up and made the first attempt to reattach the faucet back to the sink hardware. First attempt…..no luck…… it fell right back off once I turn the water on. It should also be said that when God was handing out patience I was apparently standing in some other line. So second attempt…again it just fell off. I guess it’s time to call the apartment complex to have their handy man come over with proper tools to reattach this. I make the call only to be informed that it will have to be sometime tomorrow before they can get to me because this is not considered and emergency by "their" standards. So now I have no kitchen sink till at least this time tomorrow night. Sounds like it’s time for the Magic 8 Ball.

Magic 8 Ball…..should I try to fix this myself? Shakey Shakey Shakey……..Concentrate and Ask Again……. Magic 8 Ball......should I try to fix this myself? Shakey Shakey Shakey……..Signs Point To Yes. Well alright then. Looks like I have myself a lesson in patience and plumbing. I never like lessons in patience and.... well..... plumbing..... the most I know about plumbing is that I hate plumber’s crack.

This might just be amusing trying to fix this. My next attempt will be made bare handed. This time, with most of the water out of the way, I just might be successful. I think maybe if I just keep screwing this thing down...I really don't know what it is called....even after it feels like it’s back on maybe it will actually hold once I turn the water on. OR it doesn’t and I blow off the lesson in patience and leave it to the professionals. Ok.....now for the test. I will turn on the water ever so slowly so if it doesn’t hold I will not have the fountain spraying in my kitchen again. So far so good. Now I will turn the water up full force. Oh My God….it’s holding…… I fixed it!!!!! Wow what a great feeling!!!! Time for the white girl dance around the kitchen!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Not Full Of Sh&#

Like I said in my first post I don't live in a house I live in an apartment. There are some pluses to apartment life like when something breaks you call someone and they fix it (maybe not in your time frame) and you don't have to pay for it. The bad things......noise and neighbors that do not take responsibility for their pets.

One of my neighbors has a large dog and they never pick up her poop. I have a large dog too but I am hyper vigilant about cleaning up after him. So after my neighbors leaving numerous poop piles for all of us to dodge I feel it is time to put the Magic 8 Ball on it.

Magic 8 Ball should I collect all the poop and leave it on my neighbors door step as a welcome home present? Magic 8 Ball Says: Cannot Predict Now. Okay so I guess I will revisit this issue at another time. Thanks Magic 8 Ball.

So perhaps the Magic 8 Ball is keeping me from getting into a big ole crap fest with my neighbor which at this point I wouldn't really mind. I mean how can you live in an apartment complex and be so self centered. People never cease to amaze me.........

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

To Downward Dog Or To...........

I have purchased a traditional MAGIC 8 BALL for my home and one for the office and I have loaded a MAGIC 8 BALL app for my phone for all other occasions. So it occurs to me that certain questions should probably not be asked. For instance, Should I slap the crap out of my annoying co-worker? And if the Magic 8 ball answer is “Signs point to yes” or “It is decidedly so” I could get fired and then I would not be able to afford internet service and the blog would go away. So I will stay away from questions that will get me fired or put into jail.

Ok…...... question for the Magic 8 ball. Should I blow off Yoga class tonight to go have hot monkey sex with my boyfriend? Shakey Shakey Shakey..... Magic 8 ball says: Cannot predict now. Oh come on!!!! Well fine……. I will ask again in a little bit. Should I blow off Yoga class tonight to have hot monkey sex with my boyfriend? Shakey Shakey Shakey..... Magic 8 Ball says: It is decidedly so.
Why thank you so much Magic 8 ball!!!!!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Funday Monday

So the first day of the magic 8 ball experiment and…....well...…… I blow it. I don't do what the Magic 8 Ball says to do and it goes really bad for me. I spent the weekend, well not the whole weekend but a part of the weekend cleaning my windows and I finally got them all sparkly and then I wake this morning (Monday) and we had a huge rain storm overnight and now they are all spotty again. See this is my KARMA for not listening to the Magic 8 Ball. So just to make sure I burn it into my brain. I WILL LISTEN TO WHAT THE MAGIC 8 BALL TELLS ME TO DO! I WILL LISTEN TO WHAT THE MAGIC 8 BALL TELLS ME TO DO! I WILL LISTEN TO WHAT THE MAGIC 8 BALL TELLS ME TO DO!

It’s another Manic Monday at my job and I’m feeling, oh I don’t know, a little bored and tad bit rebellious. I have this co-worker who has this one pet peeve. She can’t stand it when people fill up the printer with paper and leave the wrapper that the paper comes in just sitting on the counter. It makes her CRAZY! So I, like any good co-worker, have been collecting all the paper wrappers for one glorious work moment. And I’m kinda thinking’ today just might be the day.

Guess I shall have to ask the Magic 8 Ball if today is the day. Magic 8 Ball is today the day that I should decorate my co-workers desk with all of the copy paper wrappers I have been saving? Shakey Shakey Shakey……..Magic 8 Ball says: It is decidedly so. Well this is gonna be a funday Monday after all!!!! I will have to wait till she leaves for the day to hatch my plan but it will be so worth it! I also know to expect a payback at some point. Thank you Magic 8 Ball for the Funday Monday!!!!!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

1st Day Of Magic 8 Ball Experiment

It was a long day at work and what is now needed is a glass of wine and some relaxation. I shall plop myself down on the couch and watch the hummingbird feeding frenzy going on outside my window. Wow my windows are dirty. This is the perfect opportunity to ask the Magic 8 Ball a question. Alright..... shakey shakey........Magic 8 Ball should I clean my filthy windows? Magic 8 Ball Says: Outlook Not so Good. Well that is not good cause my windows are DIRTY. What possible harm could it do to clean them anyway?

I'll just grab my Windex and paper towels. It is now a half hour later and it is quite apparent that this Magic 8 Ball might just be.......... well.......Magic.....or at the very least psychic. And I should be listening to it when it gives me answers because now I have made a complete mess of my windows.

You know that commercial where the birds laugh because the glass is so clean that it looks like the sliding glass door is open and the bird flies into it......not gonna happen with my windows cause they are a streaky effing mess! So...... sitting here and looking out my windows.............Outlook Not So Good.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Magic 8 Ball Experiment

You know it’s not like my life is truly screwed up. But it’s not like it isn’t either. I find myself here in this place. It’s not a bad place but it most certainly is not the place I imagined myself to be say 20 years ago. 20 years ago I imagined myself married to a great guy, I had a great job, lived in a great house and everything was GREAT! Reality in 2011 is I am not married but I am dating a GREAT guy. I have an ok job but it isn't my dream job and I don’t live in a great house. This of course makes me question my decisions along the way. What were my motivations and how did I make these decisions? Is there a better way to make decisions and since some of the decisions I made have turned out horrible perhaps I should experiment with a better way of making decisions.

How do people make decisions? Careful contemplation? Knee jerk reactions? Gut Feel? Pro-Con list? Trip to a therapist? Darts on a dart board.......... or asking the MAGIC 8 BALL?
Which leads me to this life experiment. For the next year I will base my decisions on answers from a MAGIC 8 BALL. It could be the stupidest thing I have ever done or it could turn out to be the smartest and I will certainly learn some lessons along the way. I am sure it will be humorous and I invite you along on my journey.