Sunday, September 25, 2011

Is It The Honda's Or The Renee Family Curse..............

I have been friends with Renee for about 12 years now. We met on the job while working in sales for a local radio group. She sat on the other side of the wall from my cube. She had one of the loudest voices on the phone and so one day I decided to mess with her. She was sitting at her desk and I called her up and told her I liked her outfit that she was wearing. She was trying to figure out who it was on the phone and I said do you really want to know to which she responded hell yes. Then I started pounding on her cube. She jumped and then started yelling at me. The next thing ya know we were friends.

One of the things I have learned about Renee is that she has very bad luck with cars…in terms of wrecking them. Maybe it’s just a Honda thing cause she keeps getting Honda’s. Early on she had a black Honda Accord and then she was in a wreck. She replaced it with a silver Honda accord. She had this car when we worked at another radio station together. I was at work and I was sitting in the news director’s office and they were looking out the window and watched as this old woman just plowed into someone car in the parking lot. This old woman hit is so hard she totaled it out. Apparently she thought she was hitting the break and was actually hitting the gas pedal.

So I said let me look and I went Oh God that looks like Renee’s car and then I looked again and said OMG it is Renee’s car. Then a couple of other sales people joined us and we were trying to figure out who was going to be the lucky one to have to tell her….guess who lost. Uh-huh. Yep……me. My friend Dave went along for moral support. I tried to break it to her easy because our radio station had just been sold to a very large radio chain and all the corporate Yahoo’s were in the building. I knew she was gonna freak out and start screaming so I was doing my best to keep her calm. I found her as she was going out to smoke a cigarette. I told her that she needed to come with me because I had to show her something and I told her to try and remain calm. I took her to the window and told her to look down at which point she observed the mayhem below. By this time the President and Vice President of our new company had come to see what was going on right as Renee realized it was her car. This was followed by a slew of f-bombs, sprinkled with a few GD’s some SOB’s at which point she turned around to see the President ad VP right behind her. Dave and I just couldn’t help ourselves and we started laughing which broke the tension a bit. Renee’s car was only about 3 or 4 months old at that point. This was the second wreck I had known about in two years. The trend was to continue. She got the car fixed and then someone slammed into her on the highway. She then decided to protect herself and moved up to a Honda Pilot. Then she wrecked that one in a fender bender. Now her son has started to drive and my question early on was: Is this just a Renee thing or will her son have the same car wrecking luck. Sure enough I hear that her son got in a wreck with his car as well. But once is just a fluke…...we shall see if it continues.

Renee and I went to go see Boney James this week and got caught up on things going on in our lives. I explained that the boyfriend and I had officially broken up and that I was very sad about it but there were some rather big issues and even though my heart hurts right now it is for the best. She explained that her son had driven her car and well………..totaled it………. which brings me to the Magic 8 Ball question. Magic 8 Ball is Renee’s family cursed when it comes to wrecking cars? Shakey……………….. Shakey…………………………. Shakey………………And the answer is: Most Likely. Well if this is the case then I would suggest she get the biggest SUV possible to protect her and her offspring. And maybe, just maybe, get something other than a Honda as it doesn’t seem to bring her very good luck.

Monday, September 12, 2011

To Poop Or Not To Poop........

Ok so here’s the thing… I was out with a bunch of my girlfriends for happy hour and the subject came up about pooping in public restrooms including restrooms at work. Who knew everyone has issues with this. I mean everyone has an issue with this. None of my girlfriends can do this. I have to say I am shocked by how many women have issues with this.

I too hate using public restrooms. Especially at work. But the ones at work are the worst for a couple of major reasons. First there is the smell……. It smells like someone pooped even if no one has been in there for two hours. Secondly, they have automatic flushers on all the toilets. Now did I mention I hate using public restrooms?

I also have a thing about going number 2 in a public place. I mean it I really have a thing about it. I admit it. And I thought I was the only one who had this and that I was just weird until I talked about it with the happy hour crew. So to even try to work up the courage to do it ….well…’s the stuff that psychotherapy sessions are made of. Ok…no judgments here people…. everyone has their hang ups.

Since this is an issue for me I decided it was the perfect candidate for my Magic 8 Ball life. I will ask the Magic 8 Ball. Magic 8 Ball shall I try to get over my issue of pooping in a public restroom? Shakey………. Shakey………. Shakey………. And the answer is: It Is Decidedly So.
Well crap!!!! That was not the answer I was hoping for. So not happy about this. The Experiment shall begin next week.

Well crap…….here we are and take a crap I must try to do in a public place. I freaking hate this blog right now!!!! Ok…. Off I go to settle in to the bathroom…..I Pick the nicest stall and there is no one in here…Thank God…….. so I try to relax and then the automatic toilets start talking to themselves….WTF…I mean really……. Are you kidding me? The toilets are talking to each other????? Beep Beep Beep….on down the line….well crap……literally…not gonna happen. What I want to know is what are these toilets saying to each other? Hey toilet number 2 the girl in number 5 can’t poop in public let’s mess with her. So I guess I will leave this experiment to my female companions who don’t have automatic flushing toilets. Still look with suspicion to all automatic toilets no matter where they are. What exactly are they saying to each other…..’’Hey check out the chick in stall number 3 she has polka dot underwear’……Seriously.......

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Entertaining Angels.....................

You know that saying that perhaps you have entertained Angels without knowing it. That is a question that has haunted me for the last eight years………..

I have probably never talked about my dog Sam on here. My dog Sam was a rescue dog and I believe he is touched by God. When I first saw him he was limping on the side of the road getting ready to get onto a highway. I remember saying out loud,”Oh please God protect him.” Then I said “I promise I will help him God but I am late for work and I can’t do it today. Just please keep him safe.”

The very next day, at the same intersection in the heart of the ghetto, I see this guy out of his car in the middle of January and it 4 degrees outside. He is waving his hands and screaming so I look over and here is this dog again and this time he is being attacked by two pit bulls in the front and two pit bulls in the back and they are ripping him to shreds. So I get out of my car and start screaming and waving my hands. At which point the pit bulls look at me as if to say screw you and go back to ripping him up. I then hear a voice in my head that says Samurai…….. So I start making weird Samurai noises and kicking my feet and wailing my arms around and next thing you know the pit bulls all take off and the dog runs under my car.

He won’t come out and it’s 4 degrees outside. I talk to him and reassure him and call the fire department to see if they will get him out from under my car. No mas…. They direct me to animal control who explains it will be at least 45 minutes to an hour. So I talk to him and start praying……..I mean really praying. Ok God I need some help here this dog needs to get to a vet and it is too cold out here please send me some help. Next thing I know about 5 minutes later this guy with blonde hair and crystal blue eyes shows up. He says its freezing cold and a bad neighborhood and asks if he can be of assistance. I tell him the story and he says he and his wife do dog rescue all the time. He goes to the car and comes back with a leash and wraps it around the dogs snout pulls him out and gets in the back seat of my car with the dog and we head off to the vet with the mans wife following behind in the pick up truck.

We get the to vet, open the door and the bell on the door tinkles and rings and we bring in the dog to the receptionist area and the vet techs and the vet come and out and there is a lot of commotion. We explain what happened and in the midst of the confusion the man and his wife disappear. I look around and they are gone….. I ask the receptionist did you see them leave and she says no. Then she says if they left we would have heard the door open and the bell sound.

So here is the question that is well over due for the Magic 8 Ball. Magic 8 Ball on that day did I entertain angels? Shakey……………. Shakey……………. Shakey……………. And the answer is: Signs Point to Yes. Ah Ha!!! I knew it……. It was just so weird and no one could explain how they disappeared and they were definitely sent from God to help me….. A direct response to a prayer. Sammy has been one of the best dogs ever and is my protector. If he doesn’t like you he lets me know and I must say he is always right.