Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Grocery Store Etiquette.........

Ok here’s the thing……….I don’t really want to go down this road but I feel the time has come. I live in the Midwest and apparently there is a disconnect about certain tried and true etiquette. In this particular case I am talking about grocery store etiquette. I long ago gave up on doing grocery shopping on a Saturday. I normally venture to the grocery store on off days like Tuesdays and Thursdays. For some reason though today on a Tuesday there is enough traffic to make it like a Saturday.

I am not the kind of person who is a shy wall flower. I have been told before that I have a touch of Bette Midler in me. I am not sure I agree with that or see that as a compliment but, yes; I can be a bit ballsy sometimes usually behind the wheel of a car. Now let it be said that shopping carts can be very similar to a car. When I drive, I drive Indy style. I am always watching what is going on 3 cars in front of me to make sure I see things as they are happening so I can anticipate sudden changes in traffic.

The same system applies to grocery stores. But grocery stores are even worse than the road because you have lots of completely self centered people (unfortunately mostly women and GOD I hate saying that) all crammed into very small isles. You still have the same problem with people on their cell phones talking and texting. I get that cause you need to call home to see what someone put on the list but what the “F” is the deal with these people leaving their carts in the middle of the isle so no one can get by while they stare blankly at the shelves. OMG it makes me crazy!!!! Seriously. The first thing I do is stare at these self centered morons with contempt. I don’t move I just stand there staring at them till they realize that they are blocking the Isle traffic and say “Oh I am so sorry” at which point I usually walk by SMH….”Shaking My Head” at how self centered they are. I mean I am so uber vigilant about this stuff that even if I am reaching for a bag of pasta and someone can’t get by I will move out of their way. Probably because I am over compensating for all the self centered jerks in most of the stores.

So I have been down 5 isles so far and I finally hit the mother of all Isles. It is jam packed with desperate housewives, some with their pain in the ass teenage texting kids in tow three wide across the isle. I, at this point, have reached my absolute limit of clueless self centered women and teenage children. So I decide to consult the Magic 8 Ball phone app. Magic 8 Ball phone app, if these ridiculously clueless teenagers and their desperate housewives parents continue to block the Isles with the carts without even the slightest thought for other people shopping in the store shall I use my cart to ram their cart out of the way? Shakey……………. Shakey……………. Shakey……………. And the answer is: You May Rely On It. Uh-huh. Well ok. Normally that answer would freak me out but I am a tad bit PMS and these people make me crazy. So…………..bring it on!!! I decide the texting teens with their clueless mom is the target. I get right up on them and stand their looking with disgust at the cart in the middle of the isle. They do not even acknowledge my existence. Oh Baby Game On!!!! I wait for 30 more seconds….no mas. Ok.. Here we go….BAM not just BAM But I mean BAM and the cart goes flying. Desperate housewife and texting teens look at me with that suburbia I am so effing privileged and what did you just do look. I smile wave and say “Contrary to popular belief you are not the only person shopping in this store.” “Move your shit out of the way desperate housewife!” God It felt so GOOD!!!!! And yes yes yes…..there is a bit of Bette Midler in me. Perhaps it’s time to take singing lessons……………….